Sigh. I fumble for my glasses in the darkness and squint for the time. 4:18. My feet hit the cold, wood floor as I fight against my eyelids for the third time tonight. I pick her up and feel something wet. Another blowout! Another early morning bath. Too early. As I peel the soiled sleeper off of her and fill the bath with warm water I wonder, "Could I be the only person in the entire world awake at this hour?" Of course I know I am not, but it seems. I think for a moment of those "good ole' days" when I was awakened by an alarm and the glorious feeling of hitting that snooze button one more time, hiding for 5 minutes longer under cozy covers. She flashes a toothless smile at me as I pour warm water over her. "What is there to smile about at this hour, you little stinker," I think. As we make our way downstairs, I push the toy bugs aside with my foot and plop down with baby girl. She looks at me with bright eyes and I know she is not going back to sleep anytime soon. Gone are the days of going back to bed when baby does. Before I know it, 6:00 rolls around and my big boy comes meandering down stairs. "I need a drink," he mumbles, wiping sleepy eyes. Sigh... will he ever remember the manners I taught him over and over and over again? As I look for his cup, my feet walk over something crunchy. Ah, the fishy crumbs that I haven't vacuumed up yet from two days ago. Where is that cup (the only one he likes to drink from)?! I find it alongside of the couch, annoyed that I didn't wash it out last night. I turn on the sink. As water flows over a sink full of dishes still yet to be washed from the night before, I look out the kitchen window. Dawn is rising and I see the silhouette of trees against early morning, autumn sky. Beautiful. "Mommy, I'm hungry!!!" I mutter something under my breath, wondering if I could get away with just serving cheez-its for breakfast this morning instead of the homemade pancakes he likes. Actually, I would probably be the greatest mom in his book if I did! And so the day begins...
Though my greatest dreams have come true -the committed husband totally in love with ME, the two babies (well, one I at least still call my "baby boy" even though he is no longer one) I chose to stay home with every day and raise- (and yes, these are my greatest dreams come true), I still struggle through each day. How easy it is to see the negative and overlook the "gifts" God gives to me everyday. As quoted by Ann Voskamp, "Long, I am woman who speaks but one language, the language of the fall - discontentment and self-condemnation, the critical eye and the never satisfied." But, I see hope. I am learning... slowly... slowly. I can learn to see through thankful eyes. "A nail is driven out by another nail; habit is overcome by habit." (again, Ann Voskamp) Those honest questions from my 4 year old boy, the way only I can comfort my baby girl, that first hot soup of the fall season, mulled cider candle from hubby to brighten a bad day, music of crickets through an open window, little hands collecting bark and acorn treasures, tree branches tall dancing in the wind before rain falls, elbow dimples in little arms, bursting open back door to let little feet run into morning light, steam rising from hot mug, full moon and bright eyes, little arms pull me close ...these all are gifts, and I keep counting...
