In less than a week, Joce will be 11 months old. Almost a year! While in some ways it is a little sad, in a lot of ways, a sigh of relief that we've made it through the first year! It's been a long year. Don't get me wrong, Jocelyn is such a blessing, a gift, sweet as pie, I like to say! But, she's also a fireball, clingy and as most know, a horrible sleeper! Up every two hours (or less) for months. Pure exhaustion. I was down-right miserable for quite awhile. I was an emotional wreck, mean, impatient, short-tempered and depressed. All the while plagued with guilt for feeling and acting in these ways. Add to that pile OCD tendencies and being a control freak. Not a good mix. I remember one night (this was when I had mono), as I laid in bed listening to Joce screaming, telling Colin that there was no way I could even move, let alone get up and feed her AGAIN. How was I going to get through the next day? Well, I did get through it, oh me of little faith. God allowed me to get a couple extra hours of rest early that morning while the baby slept in and Gideon watched cartoons. It's all I needed to get me through.
Through all of these trials, God has grown me and taught me how to lean on Him, my Rock, my Strength. I cannot do this alone. I need to ask for help and allow others to be a blessing. (I received much help from family and friends.) He has taught me to see what is really important. Rocking my baby to sleep, lying in bed with Gideon and answering his many questions about life, playing a game, reading a book, letting him help me with baking or doing the dishes (even though it may be messier or take longer), taking a walk, talking and spending time with my husband. Dishes may be overflowing, laundry piling over, crumbs on the floor, finger prints on the windows, toys and "stuff" cluttering up the house and the list goes on. Some of these things will still be here tomorrow, but some will be gone before I know it. I've also learned that I'm going to fail, but that does not mean that I give up. "For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust." (Ps 103:14) I yell, I nag, I accuse and I believe Satan's lies about myself instead of God's promises. But as the verse says, "The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail, They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness!" (Lamentations 3:22-23) He will not give up on me. I love this from A.W. Tozer, "How unutterable sweet is the knowledge that our Heavenly Father knows us completely. no talebearer can inform on us, no enemy can make an accusation stick; no forgotten skeleton can come tumbling out of some hidden closet to abash us and expose our past; no unsuspected weakness in our characters can come to light to turn God away from us, since he knew us utterly before we knew Him and called us to Himself in the full knowledge of everything that was against us." Thank you Lord!
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)
